Thinking Destructively

What would you be doing if you weren’t doing this?

If I were not sitting here, staring at the luminance that is my MacBook screen, tapping away at my keyboard fighting back tears…
I would be staring at a smaller screen, my blue eyes fuzzy with emotions.
My hands would be shaking with frustration.
My eyes would be red with hurt.
My heart would be pounding hard in my chest.
My head would be swirling, a hurricane.
My nails would be digging into my palms.
My lungs would be heaving.
My throat would be shouting.

I would be waiting. For you to pick up the phone and whisper those six words…

I’m sorry, baby, I love you… 

 

I love you, Thomas.
I really do.
More than you could possibly imagine.
That’s why I get hurt.
That’s why I get angry.
That’s why I…

Irresistible temptation

642 Things to Write About – Irresistible temptation

The way his hands feel resting on my waist.
The way his eyes are so soft looking into mine.
The way his smile lights up the dark bedroom.
The way his lips look so rough yet feel so soft.
The way his teeth bite my lip in the gentlest of ways.
The way his body gets tense when I reciprocate.
The way his breath feels against my neck.
The way his pulse quickens.
The way his breath grows heavy.
The way his brow furrows.
The way his sweaty forehead feels against mine.
The way we smile and laugh at each other.
The way we could lie there for hours not saying a word.
The way we love each other.
The way I admire him when he is not looking.
The way I smile like a fool.
The way I cannot stop myself from loving…

The way he loves me.

642 THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT – You have a time machine, but it can only go back in time two days. What would you change?

If I were to roll out of bed this morning and find that there was a machine by my bed that could break time and send me spiralling back two days prior, I would probably lay there for many minutes trying to figure out just what I would want to change about Tuesday, December 4th, 2012. Nothing too exciting happened.
I kissed my love.
I held him close and cried upon his shoulder and told him how much he meant to me.
In return he held me to his chest and wiped my tears, telling me I had nothing to be afraid of.

But, if I could chose… I would take away that fear. I would make some strange decision that would forever rid myself of that painful fear that one day I might lose him forever. Hell, I’m almost half-way there.

Two days ago I loved and fell asleep happy and exhausted.
Exhausted not only from the fear and the pain, but from the love as well.
It is hard to love someone. It takes a lot of work for someone like me to let someone else inside that way.

But, I would not change the love.
And maybe not even the pain.
For the pain will make me stronger and some day I will grow and thrive on that pain, with or without him to hold my hand, kiss my lips, and wipe my tears.

Afterall, I have wiped them by myself for so long, why should someone else need to do it for me?
I am perfectly capable of it on my own.

642 THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT – You have just swallowed your pride and done something you didn’t want to do. Your friend wants to know why. The two of you are driving around an almost-full parking garage looking for a space for the friend’s overly sized pickup. Write the scene.

It’s cold and the heat in the truck is busted. We’re bundled up in sweaters and scarves with blankets across our laps. The back window is broken, stuck just an inch shy of being closed making the air that much more painful to bear. I looked over at my friend, who looked as though she were struggling with the weight beneath her palms.

“I don’t know how you drive this thing.” I chuckled nervously, trying to lighten the mood and stall the question that was lingering between us.

“Same way a sumo wrestler lugs around his fat ass – you get used to it after while.” She paused and exhaled slowly. “The piece of junk just doesn’t run well in cold weather, I guess.” 

I nodded in agreement as she turned the corner into a parking garage. It wasn’t the garage we wanted, but it seemed as though all of them were full at this time of year. 

“God, I hate Christmas shopping.” I grumbled, sinking into the seat more and huddling my over-sized sweater around myself more and tugging up the blanket farther, revealing my fuzzy winter boots that were damp from the snow outside. I shivered and turned my head to look out the window at all the shiny cars in the dim light of the garage. “I doubt we’ll even find a parking place.” 

“Don’t be such a Negative Nancy, Hilly.” She spat back, I could tell she was upset about something, most likely the question lingering between us that I really did not want to answer. “So, why’d you do it?” She muttered as she exhaled deeply, the air in front of her face turning into a cloud of steam for a moment before disappearing into the cold again.

“Jaycee, please don’t make me talk about this… I had to do it.” 

“It was downright stupid, Hilly.”

“I had to do it.”

“But, why?”

“Because, Jaycee, I love him.”

“You’re seventeen years old. Don’t you think it is a little soon to make a decision like this, especially after he did what he did to you?”

“Doesn’t matter anymore. The past is the past for a reason.”

“But, you’re so young still. What if there is something better out there waiting for you?”

“Well, I don’t want it. I want Charley. I’m always going to want Charley. I love him with my entire being.”

“What’s the point? He hurt you.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Jaycee.”

“It matters to me.”

“Don’t worry yourself. I can handle this. I love him.”

“That doesn’t make it any easier, Hilly.”

“You’re telling me… You aren’t the one whose heart is broken.”

642 THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT – The corpse you saw in the undertaker’s window.

“It’s chilly out today. I like it.” I smiled, speaking as I looked up at the grim grey sky. I felt his grip tighten on my hand in response to my comment and it made me smile even wider. We stopped walking in front of the coffee shop we typically spent our Sunday afternoons at, and I turned to meet his eyes. Oh, those beautiful, beautiful eyes. I had to stand on my tip-toes to kiss his warm cheek, but it was something I had grown used to by then.
“I find it warm, though,” he responded with that soothing, loving voice of his, “because I’m with you.” It made me giggle in that childish way you do when you see the boy you have a crush on. I huddled against him and pressed my forehead to his warm neck. Home is right here with you. We stood like that for quite awhile before I opened my eyes, just pausing a second too long on the window of the building across the street. My mood suddenly went South and my blood ran cold. Alec could tell and he took hold of my chin, tilting it up so I would look at him. “What’s wrong, love?” he whispered, resting an open palm gently on my cheek as he fixed his eyes on mine.
“I… B-Benji…” I stammered, terror filling my eyes. He looked worried and confused for a moment, but then it hit him who I was talking about and his mouth twisted as if he were angry with me.
“Benji? What do you mean, Hilly?” he questioned me, those beautiful eyes growing cross with confusion. My hand rested on his cheek the way his had on mine and turned his head slowly so he was looking across the street. I dropped my hand to my side, exhaling deeply.
“Benji…” I whispered again, swallowing the lump in my throat, “Benji is dead, Alec.” Alec took a deep breath as his eyes scanned the front of the undertaker’s building, looking for what I had spotted. I could tell he was upset that I was upset, his muscles grew rigid and his jaw was set tight and stern. “Alec… Sweetie, don’t…” I touched my icy fingertips to the stubbly remains of a beard on his chin and he stepped away, turning his eyes on me, silently accusing me of some terrible crime.
“Don’t, what?” He demanded an answer of me and stepped back, watching me carefully. “He ripped you to pieces, and you’re upset about him being dead? I don’t get it, Hilly.”
“I’m only human, Alec. I loved him once. Like I love you now. But, I love you so much more than I ever loved him. You understand that, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, I understand.” he exhaled, relaxing his muscles, knowing he was acting rashly. “He had it coming to him, though. He had no right to treat you that way back then.”
“That was a long time ago, Alec. Who knows what he grew to become in the past ten years. Maybe he has a wife and kids now. All that matters to me is that we are together and happy.” I offered him a gentle smile, which he returned after a moment and we turned, going inside the coffee shop. I never did know what happened to him. I never knew that he overdosed because he had seen me so happy with Alec for so long. I never knew that he loved me all those years and I had forgotten how sweet his lips had tasted to mine. I never knew what could have been. And I never told Alec what I had seen in the window that day…

His golden skin was tinted purple with a lack of oxygen.
His lips were so blue, so cold looking.
His stomach looked swollen as they rolled him past, but maybe that was just years of loneliness.
His hair was still laying the same way it used to, messy and sticking in every direction like he just didn’t care.
Of course he didn’t care, he was stone cold on a metal table.

Since then, I find myself wondering what had happened that led to him winding up on that table. I brewed a bubbling pot of murder and suicide in my head and it ate at my stomach late at night like the acid that singed our relationship. I almost felt bad for him, but then I remembered Alec was right.

The bastard had it coming to him.