This is nothing new for her, hunching over a book, clutching a cup of coffee, trying to make herself as small as possible so passerby’s won’t ask her any questions. The stress pulsing through her veins making her hands shake as she tried to concentrate and drown out the voices gnawing at the back of her mind.
This isn’t the first time my legs have met this tile, cold and shivering and sweaty and bare. Vulnerable. This isn’t the first time there has been blood on my fingers, my tears burning the wounds. My knuckles bruising and breaking as I hit…thrash…punch. How could you do that to yourself again. You’re so stupid. You’re worthless. You’re never going to beat this. Fuck. This isn’t the first time I have fallen to my knees and cried.
This is not the first time I have been up this late, ringing in a new day with thoughts of destruction flittering behind my eyelids. This is not the first time I have gotten angry about the loves in your past. This is not the first time I have told myself I will be the first to stay and prove to you that someone will love you for more than what is in your wallet or what is in your pants. I love you for what is behind your eyes when you sleep. I love you for how you let me touch your cheek. I love you because you are everything I have ever dreamed of and I did not even know that until I got the chance to touch that cheek. Until I got the chance to see that there is so much more than the wallet and the pants. I can live without money and sex. But, I don’t think I can live without your heart beat and slow, soft breaths lulling me to sleep. Your hand on my waist. Your feet tangled in mine. Your heart in my hands. Mine in yours.
When I was young I used to dream of what it would be like to be in love. I wanted a boy to like me and pass me notes in class more than anything in the world. I would even ask for a boyfriend for Christmas. I begged and wished and begged some more to feel that thrill of a first kiss and falling in love!
After what felt like an eternity, I finally got that first kiss in a movie theater with my date’s arm around my shoulders. Classic, right? Despite the fact that people were getting shot at in the background it was set up so perfectly and I should have been happy, but there was just one problem. You see, my date, Rex and I had been good friends for quite some time and I had grown to love him…as a brother. Thus…my first ‘first’ was ruined and to be quite honest none of my firsts were really all that great at all.
My first boyfriend? Used me.
My first date? Wasn’t actually a date and was so awkward my palms were sweaty and he called me out on it.
My first kiss? Well, you know…
My first time? He couldn’t get it up and I felt so weird and uncomfortable and was in no way ready for what he pressured me to do with him. It lasted all of 30 seconds…maybe less.
My first love? Tried to turn my best friend against me and me against her. But, we caught on and I bruised my knuckles on a door for the first time.
But, this taught me something that I didn’t quite understand until recently. It was more memorable and mind blowing than that first kiss or your first time on prom night or homecoming night. Mine was neither.
Those terrible and awkward firsts taught me that you will get that first chance again with the right person. But – there’s a catch! It really will be magical like it was supposed to be the first time. Every first with that person and every time after that will be filled with fireworks and heart-stopping, jaw-dropping, awestruck moments where you really feel like the luckiest person in the world…
And the funny thing is…in that moment…that complete utterly happy moment…you are.
Thank you, Thomas, for making me truly understand this.
I am watching the skyline
as you are snug in your bed.
Visions of vikings and swords
are dancing behind your eyes.
back and forth
as if you are dreaming of a tennis match.
When you wake I will be gone.
My feet will be
on foreign soil to your own.
Oh, how I wanted to bring you home.
I ache to show you my home…
A mirror image of what we could create
in the years to come.
If I could
I would lie here for hours
And tell you everything there is to know
About me and how my brain works
And how when I get scared I run
When I fall…I typically land flat on my face
But, that would take all the fun out of it
Out of you figuring out how I tick
How I think
There is one thing, however
That I wish I had the strength to tell you
That I am on my knees
Trying not to run
Because I’m scared…terrified even
Of falling in love
Seeing your smile makes me tremble
In the best of ways
I do not want to run
I feel safe and happy in your arms
That does not stop me
From being scared
Because last time I loved
And I landed flat on my face