I thought about you the other day
I took this silly online quiz,
“What state should you have been from?”
I got Ohio.
Tears stung my eyes,
and knives pierced my chest.
It has been so long since you have crossed my mind.
Please do not think I have forgotten you.
You are still my hopes and dreams.
Everything I want for my future…
…revolves around you.
I miss you so…
What I would give to hold your face in my hands…
…to kiss you and know I have found my forever.
I will wait.
I will go back to my life and wait.
A hundred more years if I have to.
I will go back to my bed and feel every inch of him surround me.
Until it is your turn.
I love you in the way the sun kisses the edges of the
clouds in the morning. The way the steam rises from my coffee
and curls at the end of my nose. The way my hair will split in
two, sometimes three ways at the ends. With hopes that,
in just one of these ways, it is a language you understand.
A whisper that tickles the hairs
on the back of your neck.
I want to bury my face into the nape of your neck.
I want your scent and your kisses to envelope me.
I want the only sound for miles to be our heart beats.
I want the only feeling to be our fingers entwined together.
I want to watch the street light bounce off your shoulder.
I want to press my lips to your temple as you doze.
I want to fall asleep there, your hand on my hip and your breath on my hair.
I want there to be no space between our bodies except that which we need to breathe.
I want to spend the mornings waking to your sweet sleepy cuddles.
I want to watch you stretch and flinch away from the sun.
I want to kiss your tired lips and know that this is my forever.
What would you be doing if you weren’t doing this?
If I were not sitting here, staring at the luminance that is my MacBook screen, tapping away at my keyboard fighting back tears…
I would be staring at a smaller screen, my blue eyes fuzzy with emotions.
My hands would be shaking with frustration.
My eyes would be red with hurt.
My heart would be pounding hard in my chest.
My head would be swirling, a hurricane.
My nails would be digging into my palms.
My lungs would be heaving.
My throat would be shouting.
I would be waiting. For you to pick up the phone and whisper those six words…
I’m sorry, baby, I love you…
I love you, Thomas.
I really do.
More than you could possibly imagine.
That’s why I get hurt.
That’s why I get angry.
That’s why I…
When I was young I used to dream of what it would be like to be in love. I wanted a boy to like me and pass me notes in class more than anything in the world. I would even ask for a boyfriend for Christmas. I begged and wished and begged some more to feel that thrill of a first kiss and falling in love!
After what felt like an eternity, I finally got that first kiss in a movie theater with my date’s arm around my shoulders. Classic, right? Despite the fact that people were getting shot at in the background it was set up so perfectly and I should have been happy, but there was just one problem. You see, my date, Rex and I had been good friends for quite some time and I had grown to love him…as a brother. Thus…my first ‘first’ was ruined and to be quite honest none of my firsts were really all that great at all.
My first boyfriend? Used me.
My first date? Wasn’t actually a date and was so awkward my palms were sweaty and he called me out on it.
My first kiss? Well, you know…
My first time? He couldn’t get it up and I felt so weird and uncomfortable and was in no way ready for what he pressured me to do with him. It lasted all of 30 seconds…maybe less.
My first love? Tried to turn my best friend against me and me against her. But, we caught on and I bruised my knuckles on a door for the first time.
But, this taught me something that I didn’t quite understand until recently. It was more memorable and mind blowing than that first kiss or your first time on prom night or homecoming night. Mine was neither.
Those terrible and awkward firsts taught me that you will get that first chance again with the right person. But – there’s a catch! It really will be magical like it was supposed to be the first time. Every first with that person and every time after that will be filled with fireworks and heart-stopping, jaw-dropping, awestruck moments where you really feel like the luckiest person in the world…
And the funny thing is…in that moment…that complete utterly happy moment…you are.
Thank you, Thomas, for making me truly understand this.
I am watching the skyline
as you are snug in your bed.
Visions of vikings and swords
are dancing behind your eyes.
back and forth
as if you are dreaming of a tennis match.
When you wake I will be gone.
My feet will be
on foreign soil to your own.
Oh, how I wanted to bring you home.
I ache to show you my home…
A mirror image of what we could create
in the years to come.
If I could
I would lie here for hours
And tell you everything there is to know
About me and how my brain works
And how when I get scared I run
When I fall…I typically land flat on my face
But, that would take all the fun out of it
Out of you figuring out how I tick
How I think
There is one thing, however
That I wish I had the strength to tell you
That I am on my knees
Trying not to run
Because I’m scared…terrified even
Of falling in love
Seeing your smile makes me tremble
In the best of ways
I do not want to run
I feel safe and happy in your arms
That does not stop me
From being scared
Because last time I loved
And I landed flat on my face